AND THE NAKED BONE OF AN ECHO SAYS DON’T WALK AWAY

There's still snow on the streets. It's fucking April, where's spring? C'mon Sweden. Been here for a couple of days now, and I'm already ready to leave. I wish I was rich and could do whatever. Unfortunately, I'm not, which makes me stuck here for a while. I need a job. NOW. I don't even know where to begin. And I don't know where to find the strength. These past couple of months have been a fucking rollercoaster, and I'm lost.

Note to self: Figure shit out. This week. & move on.



crossroads. which way is right?
darlin', walk a while with me. strange. what love does.

I've been living in a suitcase for almost a year.
Still, I don't feel like unpacking yet.

I see you and I dilate. High off of whiskey and pills casual conversations brew in a crowded kitchen. I get unsolicited advice from every guest- leave him. but days later i will sleep soundlessly in bed next to him, half dressed and still drunk. i wake up, stare at his bare back and still tell myself things will change.

don't use words like love, words like that don't matter.

i just sat there on the concrete, with a gin and tonic in my hands, slightly drunk.

I'm watching Big Brother from 2003 on TV right now. It's fuckin' hilarious. And what the fuck are they wearing? If that fashion would ever come back, I'd rather walk around naked. It should be illegal having a show like that, I mean they basically put a group of people in a house, lock them in, get them shitfaced just to see what happens. On the other hand, it's entertaining. What I wonder the most though is: Why are they showing this shit on TV now, six years later? AND WHY AM I EVEN WATCHING?

Today I went outside my door for the first time in almost 3 weeks. I'm pretty proud of myself. And no, I'm not some phsycho who never goes anywhere, I'm just not myself right now, but hey, that was a step forward. I went downtown and took care of two things I had to take care of, that I should have done like two months ago already, but whatever, now it's done.

I am going to LA soon. I need to go back and figure out my life and do myself a huge favour for once.

all this love crap.

Everything have been going so good lately. NOT. These past couple days, these past 11 days have been like hell. My mind is so fucked at the moment that I couldn't even get the most simple bus schedule to make any sense, so I ended up being stuck at home tonight, instead of actually going outside the door to see my friends for the first time in two weeks. I feel like my cat, the only things I do is being at home, eat and sleep. I wish there was a cure for heartaches. If you have one, please let me know about it.

I've been surprisingly creative today. I found some old silk dresses and curtains, and I made two skirts, two tops and a dress out of it. Now you're probably wondering why the fuck I did that out of nowhere. I was looking through some old picture albums and I remembered that I always used to design and make my own clothes when I was younger, and I remember that made me happy, so I basically did it wishing I would get all happy again from it. It didn't really have the effect on me that I was looking for, but it kept me busy for a few hours.

My plans for tomorrow: Wake up.
My life if so fuckin' exciting at the moment.

ti amo. ora, andare all'inferno.

We had a lot going for us.
We'd found the secret glue that held all things together.
In a perfect place, where the noise did not intrude,
our world was so very complete.

valentine's day. the birds are not flying anymore, they're gone.

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows. Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide. And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart...
I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.

Ho appena mai mai amato qualcuno come ti amo,
non ho mai sentito il bisogno di qualcuno come faccio con voi.
Sono così felice che stai nella mia vita.

hjärta milo moore.

jag har aldrig älskat någon så som jag älskar dig.
det enda jag vet är att jag måste vara med dig.
det finns inget annat, du är mitt allt.

"friends" or f r i e n d s

You have "friends" and then you have f r i e n d s. Lately I've been starting to doubt who my real friends are. Really doubt. No questions, no nothing. Talking behind my back like we still were 7 years old. No I'm happy for you. No interest at all. My life is way different now than it was 6 months ago, but I'm still the same person. It's just me. I think I'm gonna think this through for real this time, about who my real friends are, so that I can concentrate on them and give a shit about the rest. The only thing that scares me is that when I've done that, I will not have many friends left, not many at all, but then I will know for sure that those few people are my real friends, and I rather have a few f r i e n d s than lots and lots of "friends". I don't care if people don't like me, if they don't like my "new" life or whatever, but when those people are your friends, or the ones you thought were your friends, it hurts, big time. Maybe if I keep telling myself that I don't care, I'll actually start believing it. I will miss you, but I have something so much better than all of you waiting for me.

It might sound a bit corny, but I'm not gonna apologize for myself anymore. It hurts me to say all of this but it's true.

m

it'll be you and me forever.
i don't want you, i need you.
and i can't see no other way.

touch me, hold me, kiss me like you do.
love me like you do.

Lately everything consists of antonyms, one thought clashing with the other. The words that escape my mouth today are the opposite of what I breathe out tomorrow. My life right now is so different from several years ago, or 1 year ago, even last month, in fact, just 3 minutes ago I wasn’t where I am this instant. One more emotion, one more feeling I can’t express in the words of this language I don’t understand, of this life that swallows me and spits me out. I’m one step further as I take a step back. Another tear shed and a stranger met. Another smile and a day I won’t forget. Maybe everything I just said is ambiguous. Honestly, this is the way it always has been, one giant tornado, collecting thoughts along the way, and dropping them all somewhere in an unknown world, some diminish while others grow. Most of them I don’t know what to do with. I find myself in this place that has no name and I wonder if I’m the only one here. Then you come inside my head once more, you whiz past me in the dark at night, you’re the shadow that follows me around everywhere, and when it isn’t sunny outside I can still feel you. Nothings ever going to change but everything always does. Another dream to add on top of this ever-growing mess.

Maybe you can make sense of it, maybe you can’t. Maybe I’m not even asking you to, but I’m not the one to ask. I’m stuck in an ever growing repetitive mess that constantly transforms itself. I can’t keep up but I might just be ready to. I feel the heat rising, and my heart pounding, I laugh out loud and dance around and forget what I’m doing.

sixties

some times i just wish i lived during the 60's.
that music and those hippies. those hippies man.

black nailpolish

three hours pass midnight, i'm still awake, thinking about what to do next.
i don't have a job. i'm broke, LA bankrobbed me. unpayed bills. i'm out of ideas for my still-in-progress book. i'm not where i should be. i'm in love. i should have some sort of life-plan.

my first priority should be to fix all of that, but i'm lazy, oh so lazy. to be honest, my mind is set on other stuff, stupid stuff like 'what to wear tomorrow', 'should i paint my nails with black or red nailpolish', 'what wine am i gonna drink on saturday', and yeah, you get the picture. i just can't be bothered, like my friends from england would say.

a song? until we bleed - kleerup feat. lykke li

i wish that hadn't been your wake

just be who you are, raw and real. whether fragile and weak, or strong and powerful. there is no freedom that can compare to completely, wholly, fully, all-roundly, being who you are. no secret to hide, nothing that can hold you back from existing as the utmost real you. saying those thoughts that run through your mind, dancing when you feel the adrenaline in your body increasing even if its in public, expressing your emotions, laughing as you run through the meadows, crying in the middle of the crowd, loving unconditionally and holding that person for as long as you feel, talking to those strangers that you've exchanged glances with, and screaming at the top of your lungs. saying things the way you see them, being open-minded, lay it out on the table. right and wrong are no longer in your dictionary. mistakes happen, no regrets, learn from your experiences, change, grow, touch the stars. see flaws as something beautiful. there is no other that is a complete clone of you. be happy with yourself, with who you are, be confident in what you do, no one stands above you. don't hold back because of what others may think, if you like something, do it. use your mind and heart, and listen to them. we're all human beings. you dont have to accept whats written in those books. find meaning for yourself. dream. live. really live. dont take things for granted. start today. love youself and love others.

no ropes attached, lift your feet of the ground and fly.